Advice for An Old Guy Funny Joke

Advice for An Old Guy Funny Joke



I was working out at the gym when I spotted a sweet young thing walking in....




I asked the trainer standing next to me:

What machine should I use to impress that lady over there?



The trainer looked me over and said:

"I would recommend the ATM in the lobby."

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Funny Confucius Jokes

Confucius Say: It's OK to let a fool kiss you; but don't let a kiss fool you.



Confucius Say: A kiss is just shopping upstairs for downstairs merchandise.



Confucius Say: It is better to lose a lover than love a loser.



Confucius Say: Man with a broken condom is called a Daddy.



Confucius Say: Man who mix Viagra and Ex-Lax doesn't know if he's coming or going.



Confucius Say: A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts.



Confucius Say: Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, and you lose interest.



Confucius Say: Viagra is like Disneyland ... a one-hour wait for a 2-minute ride.



Confucius Say: It is much better to want the mate you do not have than to have the mate you do not want



Confucius Say: A joke is like sex. Neither is any good if you don't get it.

Funny Woman on Aging Joke

Funny Woman on Aging Joke



Old is Great

An old Woman was asked, "At your ripe age, what would you prefer to get : Parkinsons or Alzheimers?"

The wise one answered, "Definitely Parkinsons - Better to spill half my wine than to forget where I keep the bottle."

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Funny Password Change Joke

Funny Password Change Joke



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Old Biker Bar Joke

I called your house the other day and was told you were down at your favorite biker bar with some friends.
I wasn't sure where that was, but was told I wouldn't have much trouble finding it.
Sure enough, I drove just a couple blocks and there it was...
There is nothing like the feel of the sun on your face and the wind in your hair, is there?





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Mexican Maid Wants a Raise Funny Joke

Mexican Maid Wants a Raise Funny Joke

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about this, and decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze."

"The first is that I iron better than you."


Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."

Wife: "Oh yeah?"


Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"

Maria: "Jor hozban did."
Wife, increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he?"

Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."

Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth.
Wife: "And did my husband say that as well?"

Maria: "No Señora....the gardener did."

Wife: "So, how much do you want?"

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Funny Circumcised Joke

Funny Circumcised Joke


For all of you in education, with sons, grandsons, or who just love the things little kids say ~ a reminder that adult words are often taken literally.....



'Circumcised' (This is priceless!)


A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.


She went back to find out what was going on.


He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised, and he was quite itchy down there.


The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it.


He did and returned to his class.


Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.


She went back to investigate, only to find him sitting at his desk with his "private part" hanging out.


"I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said.



"I did," he said, "and she told me that, if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."

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Funny Men Jokes

Funny Men Jokes

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'

'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'

He yelled back, 'OHIO STATE!'

And they say blondes are dumb....

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -------



A couple is lying in bed. The man says, 'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world...'

The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...... '.

------------ --------- -------



'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower.. 'Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'

'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.

------------ --------- --------- --------- ----



Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumor ------------



--------- --------- --------- ----



Dear Lord,

I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;

Love to forgive him; and Patience for his moods.

Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.

AMEN

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -------



Q: Why do little boys whine?

A: They are practicing to be men.

------------ --------- --------- ---------

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?

A: Trustworthy. .

------------ --------- --------- --------- ------



Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

------------ --------- --------- --------- ---

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?

A: It helps them remember which end to wipe..

------------ --------- --------- --------- ----



Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the email folder 'Instruction Manuals'

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -



While creating husbands, God promised women that good and ideal husbands would be found in all corners of the world…



Then He made the earth round.

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Blonde's call home to mom funny joke

Blonde's call home to mom funny joke

A Blonde Phone Call to Mom :

Hi Mom, it's me.

"Hi Sally, are you okay?

I thought you were with your father at the Ace Hardware store, looking for a drill."

"Yeah, I was, but I got arrested and they've let me make one phone call, and that's why I'm calling you."

"Oh my god, what happened?"

"Oh, I punched this African-American woman in the face."

"What on earth . . . Why did you do that?"

"Well, it really wasn't my fault.

Dad told me to find a Black and Decker.

Mom, I knocked the shit out of her!"

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Hiding in the freezer funny joke

Hiding in the freezer funny joke

SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda.
WANDA: Hi! Sylvia.
How'd you die?
SYLVIA: I froze to death.
WANDA: How horrible!
... SYLVIA: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.
What about you?
WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
SYLVIA: So, what happened?
WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.
I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.
I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
SYLVIA: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer -- we'd both still be alive.

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Italian wedding test joke

Italian wedding test joke

THE ITALIAN WEDDING TEST
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once
before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lord... And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.

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Mastercard wedding funny joke

PRICELESS! TRULY PRICELESS!



THIS GUY REALLY HAD IT TOGETHER TO PULL THIS OFF!!






--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



A Master Card Wedding - PRICELESS !!!



You got to love this guy...

This is a true story about a recent
wedding that took place at Clemson University .

It was in the local newspaper and even
Jay Leno mentioned it.

It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.

After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage

with a microphone to talk to the crowd.
He said he wanted to thank
everyone for coming, many from
long distances, to support them
at their wedding.



He especially wanted to thank the bride and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.

As a token of his deep appreciation
he said he wanted to give everyone
a special gift just from him.

So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party was an envelope.

He said this was his gift to
everyone, and asked them to
open their envelope.

Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man.

The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had
hired a private detective to tail them.

After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions
for a couple of minutes, he
turned to the best man and
said, 'Farewell to you!' Then he turned
to his bride and said, 'Farewell to you!'

Then he turned to the
dumbfounded crowd and said,
'I'm outta here.'

He had the marriage annulled
first thing the following morning.

While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out
about the affair, thisguy goes through with the
charade, as if nothing were wrong.

His revenge--making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a
300-guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the
bride's and best man's reputations
in front of 300 friends and family members.

Do you think we might get a MasterCard 'priceless'
commercial out of this?

Elegant wedding reception
for 300 family members and
friends: $32,000.

Wedding photographs commemorating the Occasion: $3,000

Deluxe two-week
honeymoon accommodations in Maui : $8,500.

The look on everyone's face
when they see the 8x10 glossy
of the bride humping the best man: Priceless.

There are some things money
can't buy, for everything else
there's MASTERCARD



A Mastercard Wedding

'Life isn't like a bowl
of cherries or peaches,

it's more like a jar of Jalapenos--

what you do today,

might burn your ass tomorrow......'

Welfare check funny joke

Welfare check funny joke

WELFARE CHECK. . .

A young man walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE

drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking

advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."



The social worker behind the counter said. . . "Your timing is

excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who

wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll

have to drive around in his 2012 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply

all of your clothes."



"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be

expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is

rather awkward to say, but you will also have, as part of your job,

the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges, as the daughter is in her

mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."



The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well... You started it."




Life is a journey, enjoy the trip !!

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Funny 50 shades joke

Funny 50 shades joke



Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.

Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire, sitting having a cold beer.

"Shit Ron, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since last night. Last night, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?" I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie!


She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. Well she's been reading 50 Shades of Grey...... On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.

And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So, Here I am!

A cup of tea funny joke

A cup of tea funny joke

~A Cup of Tea ~

One day my Gramma was out, and my Grandpa was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a
gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.

Grandpa was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I
brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several
cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Grandma came home.

My Grandpa made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of
tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' Grandma waited, and sure
enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Grandpa, and she
watched him drink it up.

Then she said, (as only a grandma would know), "'Did it ever occur to you
that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"

Funny Clinton joke

Funny Clinton joke

The Box Under Bill & Hillary's Bed

When Bill & Hillary first got married Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it."In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. On the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3
empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash.She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents. That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner. After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed,saying "I am so sorry, Bill. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?"Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you
deserve to know the truth.
Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it
again."
Hillary was shocked, but said, "Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I am very disappointed and saddened by your behavior. However, since you are addicted to sex I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem."
Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?" Bill answered: "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling centre and redeemed them for cash."

Simple adult truths joke

Simple adult truths joke

23 Adult truths
1. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5.. How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind-of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu-Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word / Excel / PowerPoint, etc. and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my document that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front at the last minute, after ignoring signs to merge lanes. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. But pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

23.. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

The middle wife funny joke

The middle wife funny joke

The 'Middle Wife' by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but
the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade
classroom a few years back..

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions
with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell
is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish
they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or
limitations on them.. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it,
they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid,
takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow
stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and
I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'

'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a
seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months
through an umbrella cord.'

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to
laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in
amazement.

'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh,
Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the
house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical
duck walk and groaning.)

'My Dad called the middle wife.. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a
sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed
like this..' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)

'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he
got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like
psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water
flowing away. It was too much!)

'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe.
They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden,
out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it
was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside
there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in
there.'

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm
sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day,
I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.

Now you have two choices...laugh and close this page or pass this along to
someone else to spread the laughs. I know what I did!!!

Live every day as if it is your LAST chance to make someone happy!

Funny pun joke

Funny pun joke

Punography
When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

PMS jokes aren't funny; period.

We're going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro - what a rip off!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

Polish divorce funny joke

THE POLISH DIVORCE

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.



One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It’s made of concrete.

I don't think you understand.

Do either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and don’t need one.

I mean what are your relations like?
All my relations are still in Poland.

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?
No, I’m always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?
No, she’s white.

Why do you want this divorce?
She’s going to kill me.

What makes you think that?
I got proof.

What kind of proof?
She’s going to poison me.

She bought a bottle at the drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.
I can read English pretty good, and it says:

Polish divorce funny joke

embarrassing medical exams jokes

Embarrassing medical exams jokes

EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS


At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.


'Big breaths,' . . . I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,' . . . sighed the patient.


While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, ' How long have you been bedridden? '
After a look of complete confusion she answered,
'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'



I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . . ' So how's your breakfast this morning? ' 'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste,' Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced
A foil packet labeled ' KY Jelly. '



A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room
when a young woman with purple hair styled
into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety
of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing,
entered .. . . It was quickly determined that
the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was
scheduled for immediate surgery. While she was completelydisrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read . . . 'Keep off the grass. '


Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon
wrote a short note on the patient's dressing,
which said 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn. '


AND FINALLY!! ! . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . ..


As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB.
I was quite embarrassed when performing female
pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment
I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.

The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and

sheepishly said. . .I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?'
She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard . . . 'No doctor but the song you were whistling was . . .
'Oh, I wish I was an Oscar Mayer Wiener.'

Dr. wouldn't submit his name...


1 MORE

Baby's First Doctor Visit

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

'Breast-fed,' she replied.

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.


Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'


'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, ..... But I'm glad I came.'

A few good men jokes for today

A few good men jokes for today

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me,
'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma .'

And they say blondes are dumb.
-----------------------------------------------
A couple is lying in bed.
The man says,
'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies,
'I'll miss you.'
-----------------------------------------------
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
---------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
-----------------------------------------------
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
-----------------------------------------------
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
----------------------------------------------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough
-----------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual.'
-----------------------------------------------



A day without laughter is a day wasted

Enjoy

Afternoon sex funny joke

Afternoon sex funny joke

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon " quickie " with their
8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.


"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

"An ambulance just drove by!"

"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.

"Matt's riding a new bike!"

"Looks like the Sanders are moving!"

" Jason is on his skate board!"

After a few moments he announced, "The Coopers are having sex!!"


Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out,

"How do you know they're having sex?"


" Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle ."

Flat stomach funny joke

Flat stomach funny joke

Flat Stomach

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down.
The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen.
She dresses quickly and goes to find him.

The son sees his mom and asks, 'What were you and Dad doing?'

The mother replies, 'Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it.'

'You are wasting your time,' said the boy.

'Why is that?' the mom asked puzzled.

'Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up again!!'

If you don't forward this joke in five minutes you will have bad sex for fifteen years.


Enjoy
A day without laughter is a day wasted

Rubber glove funny joke

Rubber glove funny joke





Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves, you're going to smile when you think of this:

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old woman, was nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.

'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.

'No, I don't,' she replied.

'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, Then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.'

She didn't crack a smile.

'Oh, well.. I tried,' he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.

'What's so funny?' he asked.

'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'

(Gotta watch those little old women! Their minds are always working!)



Be afraid of old women! Be very afraid! They have been there and done that!

Funny bartender joke

Funny bartender joke




An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.

Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides


If you don't laugh
At this one, then you've got a terrible sense of humor !!!!!!!!

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Is there a problem, Officer funny joke

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.
... Officer: Don’t have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can’t do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer2: Is this your car, ma’am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps opens the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Woman: Bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!

 

 

Fondling in bed funny joke

Fondling in bed funny joke

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Funny computer password joke

Funny computer password joke

Always choose a memorable password! ................

A wife helps her man install a new computer.

Once it is completed, she tells him to select a a word that he'll always remember as his password.

As the computer asks him to enter it, he looks at his wife and with a macho gesture and a wink of his eye,
He selects a word.
He is annoyed with her reaction, when he selects: mypenis

As he hits "enter", to validate the selection, his wife
collapses with laughter and rolls on the floor in hysteria

The computersystem had replied:
TOO SHORT - ACCESS DENIED!


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Women need to trust their husbands funny joke

Women need to trust their husbands funny joke

There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband...


A wife comes home late at night, and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.

She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.

Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.


"Hi Darling", he says,

"Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom.

Did you say "hello"?

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Hillbilly first aid funny joke

Hillbilly first aid funny joke

Subject: Hillbilly First Aid



Never Choke in a Restaurant in the South!

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table,who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so,
it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says,

'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says,

'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seen nobody do it!'


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Funny Maxine email joke

Funny Maxine email joke

As we progress into 2013, I want to thank you all for your educational e-mails over the past year.
I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip becauseI can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet.

I must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I can't have a drink in a barbecause I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me..

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan..

Thanks to you I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice I can't ever pick up a Dime coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbors ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician!

Oh, and by the way...

A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet...

NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY!

:-) A day without laughter is a day wasted

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Maid needs a raise funny joke

Maid needs a raise funny joke

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