Friday, April 26, 2013

Blonde's call home to mom funny joke

Blonde's call home to mom funny joke

A Blonde Phone Call to Mom :

Hi Mom, it's me.

"Hi Sally, are you okay?

I thought you were with your father at the Ace Hardware store, looking for a drill."

"Yeah, I was, but I got arrested and they've let me make one phone call, and that's why I'm calling you."

"Oh my god, what happened?"

"Oh, I punched this African-American woman in the face."

"What on earth . . . Why did you do that?"

"Well, it really wasn't my fault.

Dad told me to find a Black and Decker.

Mom, I knocked the shit out of her!"

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Hiding in the freezer funny joke

Hiding in the freezer funny joke

SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda.
WANDA: Hi! Sylvia.
How'd you die?
SYLVIA: I froze to death.
WANDA: How horrible!
... SYLVIA: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.
What about you?
WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
SYLVIA: So, what happened?
WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.
I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.
I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
SYLVIA: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer -- we'd both still be alive.

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Thursday, April 18, 2013

Italian wedding test joke

Italian wedding test joke

THE ITALIAN WEDDING TEST
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once
before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lord... And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.

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Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Mastercard wedding funny joke

PRICELESS! TRULY PRICELESS!



THIS GUY REALLY HAD IT TOGETHER TO PULL THIS OFF!!






--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



A Master Card Wedding - PRICELESS !!!



You got to love this guy...

This is a true story about a recent
wedding that took place at Clemson University .

It was in the local newspaper and even
Jay Leno mentioned it.

It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.

After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage

with a microphone to talk to the crowd.
He said he wanted to thank
everyone for coming, many from
long distances, to support them
at their wedding.



He especially wanted to thank the bride and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.

As a token of his deep appreciation
he said he wanted to give everyone
a special gift just from him.

So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party was an envelope.

He said this was his gift to
everyone, and asked them to
open their envelope.

Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man.

The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had
hired a private detective to tail them.

After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions
for a couple of minutes, he
turned to the best man and
said, 'Farewell to you!' Then he turned
to his bride and said, 'Farewell to you!'

Then he turned to the
dumbfounded crowd and said,
'I'm outta here.'

He had the marriage annulled
first thing the following morning.

While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out
about the affair, thisguy goes through with the
charade, as if nothing were wrong.

His revenge--making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a
300-guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the
bride's and best man's reputations
in front of 300 friends and family members.

Do you think we might get a MasterCard 'priceless'
commercial out of this?

Elegant wedding reception
for 300 family members and
friends: $32,000.

Wedding photographs commemorating the Occasion: $3,000

Deluxe two-week
honeymoon accommodations in Maui : $8,500.

The look on everyone's face
when they see the 8x10 glossy
of the bride humping the best man: Priceless.

There are some things money
can't buy, for everything else
there's MASTERCARD



A Mastercard Wedding

'Life isn't like a bowl
of cherries or peaches,

it's more like a jar of Jalapenos--

what you do today,

might burn your ass tomorrow......'


Welfare check funny joke

Welfare check funny joke

WELFARE CHECK. . .

A young man walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE

drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking

advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."



The social worker behind the counter said. . . "Your timing is

excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who

wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll

have to drive around in his 2012 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply

all of your clothes."



"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be

expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is

rather awkward to say, but you will also have, as part of your job,

the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges, as the daughter is in her

mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."



The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well... You started it."




Life is a journey, enjoy the trip !!

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