Monday, November 22, 2010

Little humor for the day

Bad day at Hallmark

Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day........




////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire...

I noticed your cat.

Sorry!





~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.

But don't fret about it...

She moved in with me.






~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




Looking back over the years

that we've been together,

I can't help but wonder...

'What the hell was I thinking?'






~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Congratulations on your wedding day!

Too bad no one likes your husband.






~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


How could two people as beautiful as you

Have such an ugly baby?






~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,

someone to love.

After having met you ..

I've changed my mind.






-------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------------


I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell until I met you.






//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...

That you're not here to ruin it for me.






####################################################


Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again.






********************************************************************************


Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

(Available only in Tennessee , Kentucky & West Virginia )




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Happy birthday! You look great for your age.

Almost Lifelike!




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up,

I think it's time you kept your promise...




//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


We have been friends for a very long time .

let's say we stop?




+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


I'm so miserable without you

it's almost like you're here.




=====================================================


Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

Did you ever find out who the father was?




%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%


Your friends and I wanted to do

something special for your birthday.

So we're having you put to sleep.




))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))


So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side,

it's really good pay






Trying to get me out of my sadness today :-) Laughter is a great cure

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Funny Joke of the Day

Funny Joke of the Day

O x y m o r o n s



1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

10. Why are they called " stands" when they are made for sitting?

11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

27. Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?


God Saw you hungry & created
McDonalds, Wendy's, and Dairy Queen.
He saw you thirsty & created
Pepsi, Juice, Coffee and Water.
GOD saw you in the dark & created Light.
GOD saw you without a Good looking ,
adorable, FRIEND.........
So He created ME

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Funny Jokes Online

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak -

the last one is great!

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could

immediately take the words back...

or that you could crawl into a hole?

Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....



FIRST TESTIMONY:

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow

and asked loudly,

'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?'

I turned around and walked back out and never went back

My husband didn't say a word...

he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.

I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.

After browsing for several minutes,

I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.

He asked if he could help me.

Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 'I think I like playing with men 's balls .

THIRD TESTIMONY:

My sister and I were at the mall and

passed by a store that sold a

variety of candy and nuts.

As we were looking at the display case,

the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.

I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.'

My sister started to laugh hysterically.

The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.

To this day,

my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY :

While in line at the bank one afternoon,

my toddler decided to release

some pent-up energy and ran amok.

I was finally able to grab hold of

her after receiving looks of disgust

and annoyance from other patrons.

I told her that if she did not start behaving

'right now' she would be punished.

To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,

'If you don't let me go right now,

I will tell Grandma that I saw you

kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'

The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.

Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.

I mustered up the last of my dignity and

walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.

The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?

My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.

One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands

It was very busy, with a full dining room.

While enjoying my taco,

I smelled something funny,

so of course I checked

my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.

The realized that Danny

had not asked to go potty in a while.

I asked him if he needed to go,

and he said 'No' .

I kept thinking

'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.'

Then I said,

'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?'

'No,' he replied..

I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.

Soooooo, I asked one more time, 'Danny did you have an accident ?This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,

bent over, spread his cheeks

and yelled

'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'

While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,

he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.

An old couple made me feel better,

thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days

and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,

in the future, likely think before she speaks.

What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!

We had a female news anchor that,

the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,

turned to the weatherman and asked:

'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?'

Not only did HE have to leave the set,

but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

Now, didn't that feel good?

Pass it on to someone you know who needs a laugh

and remember

we all say things we don't really mean,

so think before you speak!!!

Friday, November 12, 2010

Funny Thoughts of the Day

heres some that are true

primary school teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by 6 year-olds, (the last one is classic!)

Strike while the ..........................insect is close.

Never underestimate the power of............ants.

Don't bite the hand that....................looks dirty.

Better to be safe than......................punch an older boy.

If you lie down with dogs, you'll...........stink in the morning.

It's always darkest before..................Daylight-Saving Time.

You can lead a horse to water but...........how?

No news is..................................impossible.

A miss is as good as a......................Mr.

You can't teach an old dog new..............maths.

Love all, trust.............................me.

The pen is mightier than the................pigs.

An idle mind is.............................the best way to relax.

Where there's smoke there's.................pollution.

Happy is the bride who.........................gets all the
presents.

A penny saved is............................not much.

Two's company, three's......................the Musketeers.

Don't put off till tomorrow what............you put on to go to bed.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and..........you have to blow your nose.

There are none so blind as..................Stevie Wonder.

Children should be seen and not.............smacked or grounded.

If at first you don't succeed...............get new batteries.

You get out of something only what you......see in the picture on the box.

When the blind leadeth the blind............get out of the way.

And the favourite:

Better late than............................pregnant!

Monday, October 11, 2010

Funny Joke of the Day

If Mcdonalds sold hot dogs, could you with a straight face order a mcweiner and tell them to supersize it?????

Friday, July 30, 2010

Funny Joke of the Day

Sorry I have missed a bit. My life has been busy lately and I have slacked against my own words of advice but I need humor right now

An old couple was watching TV one evening, and the husband got up to go to the kitchen. His wife told him to get her some iced tea, and knowing that the years had taken their toll on his memory, she told him to write it down.

"I can remember iced tea," he protested.

"But I want sugar in my tea too," she told him, "so write it down."

He told her he could remember iced tea with sugar.

"I want a slice of lemon too." she said, "Just write it down."

He left the room grumbling to himself. A few minutes later he came back with a plate full of mashed potatoes for her.

"Now look what you've done!" she yelled at him, "You forgot my gravy!"

Friday, July 9, 2010

Funny Joke of the Day July 9, 2010

Hope everyone had a great week TGIF
Funny Joke of the Day

Just some signs that you drink too much coffee

You answer the door before people knock.
- Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
- You ski uphill.
- You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
- You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
- You lick your coffeepot clean.
- You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.
- Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
- You chew on other people's fingernails.
- Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend."
- You can type sixty words per minute ... with your feet.
- You can jump-start your car without cables.
- Cocaine is a downer.
- You don't need a hammer to pound nails.
- Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
- You don't sweat, you percolate.
- You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the barrel.
- You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
- You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
- You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
- You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
- Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
- You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
- People get dizzy just watching you.
- You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
- The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
- Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
- Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
- Instant coffee takes too long.
- When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
- You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
- Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
- You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
- You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
- You can thread a sewing machine, while it's running.
- You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
- You short out motion detectors.
- You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
- Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
- You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.

Hope everyone has a great weekend

Remember, laughter is key to good health

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Happy Independence Day to All

Hope everyone is having the safest and happiest of 4th of Julys
God Bless America's and all our soldiers

Here is your joke for today July 4, 2010

What would you get if you crossed a patriot with a small curly-haired dog?
Yankee Poodle!

What quacks, has webbed feet, and betrays his country?
Beneduck Arnold!

Friday, July 2, 2010

Joke of the Day July 2, 2010

Wow, July 2nd already. It seems just like yesterday, it was New Years Day and now 2010 is half over. Life goes by so quickly. Always remember to laugh more often, laugh at yourself, laugh at the ridiculous things that go on around you.
Just laugh :-)
Here is some humor for your day:
You know you are getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster

God put me on Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind, I will never die

Amazing!!! You just hang something in your closet for a while and it shrings two sizes

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

The Healing Power of Laughter

Only in recent years has the medical profession discovered the almost miraculous healing power of laughter. The discovery wasn't made my a doctor or medical researcher either, it was made a patient who just couldn't accept the doctor's prognosis that he had only a few months to live. The patient's will to live was so strong that he decieded to take the responsibility of healing into his own hands. He designed a program which required the daily use of positive emotions. Among them were faith, love, hope and laughter
How do you laugh when you have been told you were going to die? but laugh he did, He started by watching reruns of the old candid camera programs and Marx Brother Movies and anything else that he found humorous.
After his remarkable recovery, the patiend continued to study the effects of positive emotion on the human system

Read about Norman Cousins here http://articles.latimes.com/keyword/norman-cousins

but before leaving, make sure you save to your favorites to enjoy our daily dose of laughter

Here is the joke of the day for June 30, 2010

A man realized that he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he felt unwilling to spend much money. "How much do they run?", he asked the clerk.
That depends says the salesman. They run anywhere from $2.00 to $2,000.00.
"Let's see the $2.00 model"
The clerk put the device around the man's neck. "You just stick this button in your ear and run this string down to your pocket," he instructed.
"How does it work" the customer asked
"For $2.00, it doesn't work", the salesman replied. "But people talk louder after seeing the string."

Laugh your self healthy. Laugh everyday Only takes a moment

Have a great evening all

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

What I hate about blogs

You know what I absolutely hate about most blogs? Is that most people start them just to make money off of them WTH?? It makes us that are just trying to talk to people and add humor to our day so much harder.
I just love to laugh
For instance, tonight I am watching new season premiere of Rescue Me. My fiance and I love this show. (My fiance a bit much LOL. One night last season, I took a sleeping med as I suffer from insomnia) My doc changed my sleeping med to controlled release so it didn't kick in so fast. He thought I was sleeping but I walked down in family room in basement to watch him consoling himself to Rescue me) so funny, we have been together for 6 years and you would have thought I caught a kid in a candy store. I laughed and he was embarrassed. We all stress relieve ourselves but to catch him in act was so funny to me. He still gets mad at me when I laugh about it

Honestly, we all need humor in our life

Funny Joke of the Day June 29, 2010

OK So back from the beach
I have missed my laptop terrible. Couldn't get the WiFi in hotel to work :-( but had a nice relaxing mini vacation. Now, back to reality
Was sad to see that nobody posted any jokes while I was gone

Laughter, Laughter, Laughter

Here is a joke for the day

Little bathing suit humor


While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since
I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"
"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."


(I hate bathing suit shopping LOL- It is depressing)

Thursday, June 24, 2010

George Lopez

so, I always preach how great laughter is for your health, how funny is George Lopez?? I could sit here and watch him over and over everyday. How funny is he??

I am watching him on a stand up comedy show tonight and just laughing hysterically.

Laughter is key to good health

OOPs forgot the joke

OK so obsessed with this mustache thing that I forgot to post the joke haha

HUSBAND: Shall we try a different position tonight?
WIFE: That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

Wife: Give me some money. I want to buy a bra.
Husband: Why? You have nothing to put in it!
Wife: You wear shorts!

OK so heading to beach tomorrow. Feel free to submit some jokes for me while I am gone.

Keep the readers laughing.

Funny Joke of the Day June 24, 2010

Good Evening All,
I wont be on for the next few days. Going for a little R&R at the beach. Probably not taking laptop :-( Going to spend some QT with the family and to catch up on some good Jackie Collins book reading (Love my smut reading) LOL- Before I post joke of the day, I had a bit of a little insecurity today. I went to the nail salon to get my nails done and eyebrows waxed so little chinese lady waxes my eyebrows than looks at me and says "you want me to wax lip too"?? WTH?? I don't have a mustache frowns frowns
Anyhow, remember to laugh everyday, it is therapeutic!!!

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Funny Joke of the Day June 22, 2010

Funny Joke of the Day

Long day today. My mom was admitted to the hospital tonight. Hopefully nothing is seriously wrong. They ran alot of bloodwork, did EKG and ECG and everything came back OK. Her blood pressure is high and she has lost a good deal of weight over last few months (which naturally has me concerned) They are going to do MRI tomorrow and more extensive bloodwork. Her left leg got real numb today and she was having extreme heartburn that she couldn't get rid of. Keep her in your prayers for
so I need a little humor tonight

Going to post a few jokes. Laughter is therapeutic :-)

Funny Joke of the Day

Reasons computers must be male

1.They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

2.A better model is always just around the corner.

3.They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.

4.It is always necessary to have a backup.

5.They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.

6.The best part of having either one is the games you can play.

7.The lights are on but nobody's home


Just one more funny joke of the day

A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full
length mirror. This
does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror,
looking at herself, asking
him how she looks.
One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the
mirror, now complaining
that her breasts are too small.
Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you
want your breasts to
grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between
your breasts for a few
seconds."
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and
stands in front of the
mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.
"How long will this take?" she asks.
"They'll grow gradually larger over a period of some years," he
replies.
The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper
between my breasts
everyday will make my breasts grow?" she asks.
The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your ass, didn't it?"

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Funny Joke of the Day June 19, 2010

It's Saturday night and just got home from a lovely steak dinner with future hubby. Now, it is time for Joke of the Day. Happy Father's Day tomorrow to all you dads and dads-to-be

The waitress was waiting as patiently as she could while the guy was dawdling over the breakfast menu. He says, being a smart ass, "I usually never return to a restaurant unless one of the sausages I'm served with my eggs is a match in size for my own."
The waitress replied, "In that case, sir, perhaps you should be looking at the children's menu."

Friday, June 18, 2010

Funny Joke of the Day June 18, 2010

TGIF Ok so here is joke for Friday. Happy Weekend

This is how it develops:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mailbox earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox, when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only 1 check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.

I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do. At the end of the day:

----the car isn't washed,
----the bills aren't paid,
----there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter,
----the flowers don't have enough water,
----there is still only 1 check in my check book,
----I can't find the remote,
----I can't find my glasses,
----and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Joke of the Day June 17, 2010

Hi Everyone. I have totally been slacking. With all this wedding planning, house construction and trying to deal with all this bridal shower drama, I have been a bit tired. Shame on me. I preach consistently about adding humor everyday to your life (just taking a few minutes to laught) I haven't done that this week and laughter is so beneficial to your health Shame on me!! I wish someone would have told me ahead of time that wedding brings drama LOL I may have backed out before setting date

Here is joke of the day (Promise to get back on track next week- I hate to promise you joke of the day and not deliver) Oh WOE IS ME lol

A man walks into a pharmacy and asks for some condoms with insecticide.

“I think you mean spermicide,” says the cashier.

“No,” he says, “I need condoms with insecticide. My wife has a bug up her butt, and I’m going in after it.”

Friday, June 11, 2010

Funny Ways to Annoy Telemarketers

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . "

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"

5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"

8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"

9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, and they can't sell to employees.

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "Oh my God!" and then hang up.

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up.

13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.

16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."

18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . .

20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.

Funny Joke of the Day June 11, 2010

Hi TGIF. Sorry I missed posting the jokes of the day yesterday :-(
Had a friend over so enjoying friendship instead of computer last night :-) So I will post double tonight LOL.
Busy weekend this weekend, have a wedding and 2 birthday parties Fun Times (What life should be about)
OK I know I know, You are probably thinking "shut up and tell the jokes" Well WAIT FOR IT, WAIT FOR IT

Here you go

Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

The honeymoon is over when the husband calls home to say he'll be late for dinner and the answering machine says it is in the microwave.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves.
After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.

Question: How do most men define marriage?
Answer: A very expensive way to get your laundry done.

Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.

Have a great weekend all. Come back and visit me.
Plus always remember, I would love to hear your humor as well.
Post it Make other laugh- It will make you feel good

TTFN

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Funny Joke of the Day - June 9, 2010

OK, so peaceful day at the office. Peaceful but long. I am getting married in October so I went with one of my bridesmaids tonight to get fitted for her gown. After being out from 7:30 this morning til 8 tonight, I could surely use some humor :-) so here is the joke of the day: (WAIT FOR IT, WAIT FOR IT) LOL
Hope all are enjoying their evening. Happy Hump Day

Priest and a Nun in the Desert
A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the
third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After
dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation.
After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.

"Well sister, this looks pretty grim."
"I know, father."
"In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day
or two."
"I agree."
"Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do
something for me?"
"Anything father."
"I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see
yours."
"Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm."
The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely
breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty. "Sister would you mind
if I touched them?"
she consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
"Father, could I ask something of you?"
"Yes sister?"
"I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?"
"I supposed that would be OK," the priest replied lifting his robe.
"Oh father, may I touch it?"
This time the priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he
was sporting a huge erection.
"Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place,
it can give life."
"Is that true father?"
"Yes it is, sister."
"Then why don't you stick it in that camel and let's get the hell out
of here."

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Funny Woman Joke of the Day

Three women are discussing their teenage daughters.

The first declares: "I was so shocked last week. I was tidying my daughter's room and I found a packet of cigarettes under her pillow. I didn't even know that she smoked!"

"It gets worse than that," says the second mother. "I was tidying my daughter's room last week and I found a bottle of vodka under her bed. I didn't even know that she drank!"

"Oh, it gets even worse than that," says the third mother. "I was tidying my daughter's room last week and you'll never guess what I found in her bedside cabinet: a packet of condoms!"

I didn't even know that she had a penis!

Funny Joke of the Day June 8, 2010

Oh my, after the day I had at the office today, I could surely use some laughs (and maybe a good glass of wine especially since I am around whine all day- LOL like the pun) The office I work in is pure craziness. I think we need a shrink on staff LOL. When you sit around negativity all day long, it really does something to you mentally.

Just going to do a little office humor today

"COMPETITIVE SALARY"
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY"
We have no time to train you.

"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.

"MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

"DUTIES WILL VARY"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
We have no quality control.

"CAREER-MINDED"
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

"APPLY IN PERSON"
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality

Monday, June 7, 2010

Funny Joke of the Day Monday June 7, 2010

Well, Monday workday finally over. For those that work in an office, do you just sometimes sit and wonder how much of your life you waste at work LOL
Anyhow, enough with my negativity Here is a joke of the day

The FBI had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair ... . . Kill her!!'

The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'

The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another.. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the
woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'

MORAL:

Women are crazy. Don't mess with them.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Funny Joke of the Day for June 6, 2010

Hope you all had a wonderful weekend. For most of us, it is back to work tomorrow. These weekends are just way too short :-( Just not enough hours to do and see all you want but always remember the laughter is essential to good health

Here is your joke of the day

Susie's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. Things looked grim, but she was by his bedside every single day. One day as he slipped back into consciousness, he motioned for her to come close to him. She pulled the chair close to the bed and leaned her ear close to be able to hear him.

"You know" he whispered, his eyes filling with tears, "you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you stuck right beside me. When my business went under, there you were. When we lost the house, you were there. When I got shot, you stuck with me. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. "And you know what?"

"What, dear?" she asked gently, smiling to herself.

"I think you're bad luck."

Hope everyone has a great Monday tomorrow

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Find Humor In Your Life: Instead of complaining about life's frustrations, try to laugh about them. If something is so frustrating or depressing it's ridiculous, realize that you could 'look back on it and laugh.' Think of how it will sound as a story you could tell to your friends, and then see if you can laugh about it now. With this attitude, you may also find yourself being more lighthearted and silly, giving yourself and those around you more to laugh about.

OK One last joke for the day for you Going to hang out with some friends so wont be back online tonight. Hope everyone has a wonderful, safe Saturday evening. Lots of laughs, Lots of Love and Lots of Fun.

A classroom full of first year Veterinary students were participating in their first day of anatomy class. For the lecture, the professor begins by unveiling a dead cow under a white sheet laying on an operating table.

The professor tells the class "In Veterinary Medicine, there are two qualities you must possess as a doctor - the first of which is a strong stomach. You cannot, under any circumstance, be disgusted by anything involving an animal's body."
For example, the Professor pulls back the sheet and sticks his finger right up the dead cow's butt, pulls out his finger and sticks it in his mouth. The students just standthere, paralyzed at what they see. "Now, go ahead and do the same thing, each of you," the professor says.

Freaked out, the students take several minutes but eventually take turns sticking their fingers up into the anal cavity of the dead cow, and then sucking on them. Once everyone is finished, the Professor continues on with his lesson... "Now, the second important quality you must possess is a keen observation. You see, I stuck in my middle finger up the cow's butt, and I sucked on my index finger... Now, learn to pay attention."

The moral: Life's tough, but it's even tougher when you're stupid.

Just a little more laughter for a nice Saturday

All remember that laughter is healthy for your soul

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family - but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.

When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

Joke of the Day June 5, 2010

Ol' Fred had been a religious man who was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.

The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realised that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died.

He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note, and read out loud, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube?"

Friday, June 4, 2010

Funny Joke for June 4, 2010

Here is a funny joke to add some laughter to your day. (Remember to laugh and enjoy life- Learn to be the life of the party- Laughter is good for the soul) Here you go

A blonde is out of money and (after buying air at a real bargain) needed money desperately. To get some cash, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom just like in Hollywood movies.

She went to a playground, grabbed a kid randomly, and told the kid, “I’ve kidnapped you.” She then wrote a big note saying, “I’ve kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a bag and leave it under the mango tree next to the playground. Signed, A naughty blonde.”
The blonde then pinned the note to the kid’s shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning, the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the mango tree.

The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, “How could you do this to a fellow blonde?”



LOL- visit me again for the next new joke

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Funny Joke of the Day for June 3, 2010

what do u get when u cross a donkey with a onion?


a piece of ass that brings a tear to your eye



Hope you enjoyed a laugh
Remember: Laughter is a powerful antidote to stress, pain, and conflict

Funny Jokes Online- Laughter is the Key to a Happy Life

Funny Jokes Online- Think of today's society. Everyone is just always so busy. Life is so busy. There are more people in today's society that has to take medication to just ease anxiety and reduce stress.
It's time to slow down and enjoy life.
Read Jokes, Tell Jokes, Laugh and Make Others Laugh
Find your sense of humor. You know "Your Inner Zen"
Enjoy this life, nobody gets out alive anyhow :-)
Read our jokes of the day and Post your own

“Your sense of humor is one of the most powerful tools you have to make certain that your daily mood and emotional state support good health.”

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