Funny woman jokes

Funny woman jokes

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton. Keep reading-they get better!!!




WOMEN'S REVENGE 'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. 'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked. 'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'




UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE) I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.




CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS A manwalks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own . so does she... (I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)





WIFE VS. HUSBAND A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?' 'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'




WORDS A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day. 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'


CREATION A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. 'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!





WHO DOES WHAT A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee. The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.' Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.' Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me..'So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says . 'HEBREWS'






The Silent Treatment A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up..' Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.



God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

Funny Holy Prostitute joke

Funny holy prostitute joke

Holy Prostitute


A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought....

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son? '

He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....'

'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

How to take a shower funny joke

How to take a shower funny joke

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long robe. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror -- make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc. Get ...in the shower. Use wash cloth , long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone......
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs. Rinse off. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorb
ent towel. Return to bedroom wearing long robe and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo sound. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt. Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap. Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee. Rinse off and get out of shower. Partially dry off. Fail to notice the water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time. Admire wiener size in mirror again. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, and light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again. Throw wet towel on bed.

If there is anyone who did not laugh at the truth behind this, there is something SO very wrong with you.

Jokes for people who don't care

Jokes for people who don't care

When you are over sixty who gives a shit?

This assholelooked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?"

I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."

***********

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.

She said, "If you lost a few pounds,had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

***********
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.

"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."

After about thirtyseconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said.

"Come on, what day was I born"?

I said, “Yesterday."
***********

I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
***********
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.

I said, "Nice legs."

The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."

I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now

Funny Wine at Bedtime Joke

Funny Wine at Bedtime Joke

A single glass at night could mean a peaceful, uninterrupted nights

sleep.

NEW Wine for Seniors
I kid you not...

California vintners in the

Napa Valley area,
which primarily produce

Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir, and Pinot
Grigio wines,

have developed a new hybrid grape

that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips

older people have to make to the
bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be
marketed as

PINO MORE


I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE!!
I just could not help it!

Silent treatment between husband and wife funny joke

Silent treatment between husband and wife funny joke

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up..' Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

See many other funny jokes here

Enjoy

Elevator fart joke

Elevator fart joke

Funny ostrich joke

Funny ostrich joke

THE OSTRICH !


A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to The ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will Be $9.40 please" The man reaches into his pocket and

Pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man Says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" Asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and A salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and Places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, Sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and Found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered Me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money Would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a Million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right..Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."

Biker funny joke of the day

Biker funny joke of the day

Don't find many Heroes like this one!!!!

On Aug 9th 2012, a group of New Kensington bikers were riding west on I-79 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge .
So they stopped.

David, their leader, a big burly man of 65, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?"

She says, "I'm going to commit suicide."

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked ... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.

After they finished, David gets approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

Everyone needs children funny joke

Everyone needs children funny joke

Why would anyone not want to have children?

See many other funny jokes here

Enjoy

Funny how a man listens joke

Funny how a man listens joke

To Be 8 again!

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

"I'd like to be eight again", she replied, still looking in the mirror ..

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside
down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a
chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

"I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!"

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

SEND THIS TO ALL THE MEN & WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH

Meeting the right person funny joke

Meeting the right person funny joke

I have been told that when you meet the right person, you will know immediately. How come when you meet the wrong person, it takes a year and a half to figure it out :-(

How a man chooses a wife funny joke

How a man chooses a wife funny joke

Choosing a wife
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.


The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.


The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.


Again, the man is impressed.


The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.


Obviously, the man was impressed.


The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.


Then he married the one with the biggest boobs.

Men are like that, you know.
And on another note!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them

Enjoy

A day without laughter is a day wasted

Funny sex after death joke

Funny sex after death joke

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.


Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.

True to his word, he made the first contact:

" Marion ... Marion "

"Is that you, Bob?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.

I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.

Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again.

Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"

"Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?"

"No...........I'm a rabbit in Arizona


Take some time to laugh each day- It's important
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Funny Indian saddle joke

Funny Indian saddle joke

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when
her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and
offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was
uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a
Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills
and canyon walls. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the
local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode
off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the
service-station attendant.

"Nothing," the woman answered "I merely sat behind him on the horse,
put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I
wouldn't fall off."

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."

Funny generous husband joke for today

Funny generous husband joke for today

Subject:A generous husband
> >>THE PERFECT HUSBAND

> >>>Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on
> > a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and
> > begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to
> > listen.
> >>>
> >>>MAN: "Hello"
> >>>
> >>>WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
> >>>
> >>>MAN: "Yes."
> >>>
> >>>WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy
> it?"
>
> >>>
>
> >>>MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
>
> >>>
>
> >>>WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really
> liked."
>
> >>>
>
> >>>MAN: "How much?"
>
> >>>
>
> >>>WOMAN: "$90,000."
>
> >>>
>
> >>>MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
>
> >>>
>
> >>>WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the
> market. They're asking $980,000 for it."
>
> >>>
>
> >>>MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if
> it's what you really want."
>
> >>>
>
> >>>WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
>
> >>>
>
> >>>MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
>
> >>>
>
> >>>The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in
>
> > astonishment, mouths wide open.
>
> >>>
>
> >>>He turns and asks, "Anyone know who's phone this
>
> > is?"
>

Funny cowboy joke for today

Funny cowboy joke for today A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired." (P.S. - I didn't see it coming, either)

Funny Joke of the Day- A little nurse humor

Visit my main joke blog at http://mostfunnyfacebookstatus.blogspot.com/ Hundreds of funny facebook status updates and jokes here A little funny joke for the day :-) Enjoy

"Of course I won't laugh," said the Nurse to the patient, "I'm a professional.

In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers,

revealing the smallest adult male organ the Nurse had ever seen in her life. In length and width it was almost identical to a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the Nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing.

Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's private part,

she composed herself as well as she could. "I am so sorry," she said, "I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a Nurse and a lady, I promise that it won't happen again.

Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Bob replied.

She ran out of the room.

(A day without laughter is a day wasted)

Check out the main page of the blog for more funny jokes
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Random funny joke of the day

ALL OF US CAN GET A SMILE FROM THIS ONE.

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Funny Waiter Joke- A day without laughter is a day wasted

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

... Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'

'Well, 'he explained,'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.

If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now..' I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

"Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.

By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.

I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

Always remember how important laughter is to your soul :-)

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Wife Affair Joke

Wife's Affair

A man returns home a day early from a business trip.
It's after midnight.
While en route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.
The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in
the act.
For $100, the cabby agrees.
Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom.
The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back, and there is his
wife in bed with another man!
The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money,
HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your season Redskin tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for your Hawaiian golf vacation.
HE paid for our country club membership,
and HE even pays the monthly dues!'
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun.
He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?
The cabby replies, 'I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches cold.'

For hundreds more funny image jokes, check out my funny stuff for facebook blog (even if you don't have a facebook, there is still a lot of humor on that site) A day without laughter is a day wasted.
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Funny Joke of the Day

A few years after I was born, my Dad met a stranger who was new to our small town.

From the beginning, Dad was fascinated with this enchanting newcomer and soon invited

him to live with our family. The stranger was quickly accepted and was around from then on.

As I grew up, I never questioned his place in my family. In my young mind, he had a

special niche. My parents were complementary instructors: Mom taught me good from evil,

and Dad taught me to obey. But the stranger... he was our storyteller. He would keep us spellbound for hours on end with adventures, mysteries and comedies.

If I wanted to know anything about politics, history or science, he always knew the answers about the past, understood the present and even seemed able to predict the future!

He took my family to the first major league ball game. He made me laugh, and he made me

cry. The stranger never stopped talking, but Dad didn't seem to mind.

Sometimes, Mom would get up quietly while the rest of us were shushing each other to

listen to what he had to say, and she would go to the kitchen for peace and quiet.
(I wonder now if she ever prayed for the stranger to leave.)

Dad ruled our household with certain moral convictions, but the stranger never felt

obligated to honor them. Profanity, for example, was not allowed in our home - not from us,

our friends or any visitors. Our long time visitor, however, got away with four-letter

words that burned my ears and made my dad squirm and my mother blush.

My Dad didn't permit the liberal use of alcohol but the stranger encouraged us to try it

on a regular basis. He made cigarettes look cool, cigars manly, and pipes distinguished.

He talked freely (much too freely!) about sex. His comments were sometimes blatant,

sometimes suggestive, and generally embarrassing.

I now know that my early concepts about relationships were influenced strongly by

the stranger. Time after time, he opposed the values of my parents, yet he was seldom

rebuked... And NEVER asked to leave.

More than fifty years have passed since the stranger moved in with our family.

He has blended right in and is not nearly as fascinating as he was at first. Still, if you

could walk into my parents' den today, you would still find him sitting over in his corner,

waiting for someone to listen to him talk and watch him draw his pictures.


His name ....

We just call him 'TV.'

(Note: This should be required reading for every household!)
He has a wife now....we call her 'Computer.'
Their first child is "Cell Phone".
Second child "I Pod "

For more funny jokes, check out the main page of the blog, Here is the link (a day without laughter is a day wasted)
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Here is the link to that one

Some funny jokes for a Monday

Just a few funny jokes for the evening. Enjoy

For more funny jokes, check out the main page of this blog
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funny joke of the day

Four Worms in Church
(Four worms and a lesson to be learned !!!)



A Minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good, clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol ... Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke ... Dead.

The third worm in chocolate syrup ... Dead.

The fourth worm in good, clean soil ... Alive .

So the Minister asked the congregation, "What did you learn from this demonstration?"


Maxine was sitting in the back and quickly raised her hand and said,


"As long as you drink, smoke, and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

That pretty much ended the service !!

Funny Joke of the Day

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I like to go to Conclusions...you have to jump, and I'm into physical activity these days.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

I may have been in Continent, and I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing.

PLEASE DO YOUR PART!

Today is one of the many National Mental Health Days throughout the year. You can do your bit by remembering to send an e-mail to at least one unstable person. My job is done!

Life is too short for negative drama and petty things. So laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly!

>From one unstable person to another... I hope everyone is happy in your head - we're all doing pretty good in mine!

Here are some funny jokes for your Sunday evening

Here are some funnies for your Sunday Enjoy

Hope you enjoyed. A day without laughter is a day wasted. Visit the main page of the blog for more funny jokes Here is the link

Funny Jokes of the Day

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

Here are some funnies for the day. Enjoy

If you enjoyed these, you may also enjoy my funny stuff for facebook blog
Here is the link to that one

http://mostfunnyfacebookstatus.blogspot.com/

Some funny jokes for a Saturday

After a long night of making love,
the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman's nightstand by the bed.
He begins to worry.
'Is this your husband?'
he nervously asks.
'No, silly,'
she replies, snuggling up to him.
'Your boyfriend, then?'
he continues.
'No, not at all,'
she says, nibbling away at his ear.
'Is it your dad or your brother?'
he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!' she answers.
'Well, who in the hell is he, then?'
he demands.
She whispers in his ear
'That's me before the surgery.' ...


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One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing.

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A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'






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Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.




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A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters



'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'




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Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.' 'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back 'I'm so tired of chardonay.





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A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'



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Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

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A little nun joke for a Sunday

Two clever nuns - This is Brilliant


There were two nuns

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to have sex with us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.


A little while later...


SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logicalarrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

Say two Hail Marys!